♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
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My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
At least he brought enough for everyone
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.