I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
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Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Bring back the McRib
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
*praying for world peace*
God:
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.