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He died doing what he loved: being alive
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Straight people are cancelled
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Wise advice
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok