suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
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I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.