⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
You Might Also Like
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.