“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
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I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home