Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
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I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I only eat vegetarians.