それは草
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I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
happy friday
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife