My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
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I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess