ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
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M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.