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Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Social distancing in Australia:
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Okay
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.