Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
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“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp