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Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Spider-cat: No One Home
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol