It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
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😅😅😅
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
This forever.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers