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The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
is this store having a stroke wtf
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie