🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon![]()
You Might Also Like
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
![]()
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks