99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
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How your email finds me
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Vodka burrito was a success
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.