This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
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I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Current mood: Potato
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”