Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
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I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
This line from Airplane.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.