I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
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What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
My whole life was a lie.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Bill is short for Billiam
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls