I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
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Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?