Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
You Might Also Like
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.