My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
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[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I cannot stop laughing at this
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
I’ve had relationships like this
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME