It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
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flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Schrödinger’s cookie
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.