Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
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Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Guys, I found it.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do