My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
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Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy