so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
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**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed