Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
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Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*