My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
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I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.