You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
You Might Also Like
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.