Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
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*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!