My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
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Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
🤣😈🤣
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?