*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
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I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost