Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
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Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.