why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
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5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up