*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
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WHAT SIGN IS SHE
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
oh my gosh!!
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems