Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
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Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
blocked.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.