If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
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Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope