My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
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girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack