I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
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All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Lol
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.