A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
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The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you