It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
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Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Hot Hot Hot
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Anyone want a chair?
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault