I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
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Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.