Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
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I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.