ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
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[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!