Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
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Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Some people were born into their job.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.