Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
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It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
NASA has no chill
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up