Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
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her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
They’re really bad with fonts.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.