A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
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Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.