Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
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Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
estão todos miauvindo?
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.